Superman (Earth-X)
Superman was, is, and will always be the second biggest commie on Earth-X. We say second biggest them Yanks can't keep keep up with the Commietude of some Russians. Superman can beat anybody up, ever, except for the Hulk who is green, just like kryptonite.....or something. He was beating people up dressed in spandex while your grandpa was still in diapers. And anybody who says different is selling something. The story goes that Superman was born on the planet Krypton. His parents neglected "Kal-El" and one day Kal's father "Jor-El" got drunk and stuck his son in an air-tight cannister and rocketed him to Earth-X. Kal landed on the outskirts of a small village named Smallville...Ironic? Yeah, probably... Anyway, two farmers, Ma and Pa Kent found the cannister on the side of the road and, thinking it was some XXX, they stopped their Model T and grabbed the cannister. When they realized it wasn't alcohol, Pa Kent almost threw the cannister away untill Ma Kent saw the nearly dead baby Kal-El. The starving, suffocating Baby of Krypton. They took the child into their home and raised him as Clark Kent. As he grew up he realized he had superpowers and became Superman, Avenger of the Oppressed. Or thats what they tell you. The truth is that Kal El is a Communist. Infact, Kal-El doesn't exist, but you'll learn about that later. We're here to tell you the truth. You think the Communist party is all but dead? This is just the beginning. Biography Early Life Cal Elderado or "Kal El" was a Cuban defect who moved to Russia with his father Jorge(Jor El). His father quickly rose through the ranks of the KGB, an "information resource". Unfortunately, Jorge was killed by a rival information resource, the Central Intelligance Agency, based in the US. Cal swore vengance. After Cal's father died, Cal signed up for the KGB's youth division. He was placed with two KGB agents in a US mid-west town of Smalltown. The agents, Maryna Kenchovic and Pavel Kenchovic, armed their "son" Clark(Cal) with the best gadgets the KGB could provide. Hover boots disguised as blue rubber boots. Clear contacts that emmit lasers. A "super suit" that gave Clark strength and speed four times a normal man's capibilities. "Ma and Pa" Kent also surgically installed a computer in Clark's head to give him "super intelligance" and the ability to read peoples minds by reading expressions and movements. Clark trained himeself to use the gadgets and revealed himself as Superboy to gain the public's trust. At age 14 he gained 24/7 access to the the White House and the UN building. Entry into Adult Life "Clark Kent" was your average teen Commie. He didn't participate in any after school sports, clubs, or events. Clark would go home and study the works of Marx and Lennin. Then he would go out and save the oppressed from the "evils of Democracy crime". Once he graduated from college, Kent went to Metropolis and became a reporter for the Daily Planet so he could learn information before others and send it to his masters in Moscow. To keep intact his access to world leaders Kent became Superman, Protecter of the Oppressed, Enemy of Evil. At the Daily Planet Kent met the first agent of the KGB in the US since Ma and Pa Kent, Agent XXX. Together they formed an alliance to crush the American enemy. Together they assasinated information mogul and enemy of the KGB, Perry White. Kent flew to the Carribean to pick up a poison from an International Drug Dealer. Triple X put the poison in White's coffee. Unfortunately, White showed resistance to the poison. Superman flew into White's office and snapped his neck. It was the beginning of a beautiful partnership. Partnership With Triple X Together Superman and Triple X were an unstoppable force. They worked together defeating the American Enemy for decades. FDR was killed the same way Perry White was. JFK was not shot by the Penguin's second cousin. Superman slowed Kennedy's car down with his "super breath" while Triple X sniped the President. Ronald Reagan wasn't shot by John Hinckley Jr., he was shot by Triple X. These assasinations and attempts, among many others, were planned and executed by the greatest KGB team since Ma and Pa Kent, Super X. Super X Super X were an unstoppable force for many years. They quickly rose through the ranks of the KGB and became Super Secret Super Spies Sniping Statesman, the highest rank a spy could get in the KGB. Forget the arms race, Super X was going to stop the US single handed. For awhile it was working to, but alas, every great story must end, and unfortunately this one has a sad ending. Ma and Pa Kent were assasinated by the same agent that murdered Superman's father. Finally he could avenge his father. Finally he could destroy...Jimmy Olsen! The Final Battle Super X arrived at Olsen's house thinking they would only be there for awhile. They thought the battle was going to end quickly. And they were right, but not in the way they expected. Olsen was ready for them. He had two guns ready when Super X entered his home. One had Kryptonite bullets(the only substance that could break through Superman's suit), the other, regular lead bullets meant for Triple X. Unfortunately for Olsen, he had grabbed the guns in a hurry and mixed them up. Triple X was killed by the Kryptonite bullets, while the lead bullets just bounced off of Superman. Enraged, Superman leapt on Olsen like a rabid animal. Olsen was dead within a few seconds, but Superman kept maiming the dead body, ripping out its organs, and biting off its testicles. Olsen had prepared for this and had lined his testicles with poison. Superman was dead within an hour. Funeral Superman and Triple X were given a shared funeral. Triple X's family was there, but Superman had no family. His father had been killed by Jimmy Olsen and the closest thing he had to parents, Ma and Pa Kent, had also been killed by Olsen. Olsen had killed everyone close to Superman, the Kents, his father, and Triple X. Only Superman's boss and aquaintances from the KGB came for him. Legacy Superman was used as a model for KGB recruits until the collapse of the Communist Empire in 1991. Even today he is a hero to the remaining Communists in the world. See Also * Superman * Superman, Pimp from the Stars Category:Allies of Superman Category:Bale-approved articles Category:Things that made Bob Kane cry Category:Things that make Bruce Wayne cry Category:Characters who suffer from Hero/Villain transfer syndrome Category:Males Category:Soviet Stuff